The following is an in-depth account written by Ivo Slangen of his stay and participation at Bentinho Massaro's 6-day Residential retreat in the Netherlands, July 10-16, 2017 (watch it here).
We recommend you watch this beautiful 5-min film of the retreat first to get a sense of what it was like, and then read Ivo's report below the video.
A Story about a Retreat
Although it will be hard to convey the non-linear craziness that happened during the Netherlands retreat I want to try to cover that magic in a somewhat linear story. I also have to say: every time I share these longer stories part of me is disgusted. There is no way out of this at the moment: I am conscious of posting, I am conscious of not posting. So here's my innocence and here's my pretense.
What you will get from reading this rather long piece is hopefully a sense of
- How magical a Bentinho retreat can be;
- What it means to enter into a relationship with your guru and how he reflects all your untruth;
- How others do that too;
- How everything starts to reflect you, and;
- What happens when you channel your calling.
(The answer is bliss. When you are your calling bliss ensues automatically. If you have trouble doing the Absolute Neti Neti and meditation is not attractive to you, you can experience the state of Self too by channelling your calling.)
In Baarlo I and 500 others met in a space where we could experience ourselves as ourself and as the other, and be part of a divinely guided orchestration of infinite intelligence. All was arranged.
In short: it was amazing and it was painful. It was totally not what I expected, but exactly what I needed. I experienced magic and synchronicities on so many levels it is impossible to describe them all, and during a finale at the end of the retreat I looked at my own soul through someone else and met my destiny.
Arriving at the Venue
Arriving at the venue and checking in was already magical: to see so many people and familiar faces from the Facebook community together. Hugging people intensely that you've only known virtually, but feeling so at ease and heartfelt upon connecting physically too. I had arrived Monday afternoon to set up my tent and in the evening people gathered outside, socially, when suddenly Bentinho and Jocelyn arrived. An air of unreality descended upon the evening, like two elvish beings warped spacetime into a plane of heightened awareness. Yet here was also my first shoot of pain when they passed me by an inch and didn't turn an eye, like I was completely non-existent.
Later at night when I went to my tent, the energies were so high, I meditated joyously and before I got to sleep I could feel enormous ET-presence. I've never experienced clear cut ET-contact, but I have felt them working on me in my sleep, and this I felt again that night.
Upon waking up and going in for the first session, the energy was extremely palpable.
From my notes:
"Woke up several times. Powerful energies. As if light beings were working on me. At 5AM a beautiful symphony of birds and beasts started. At 6 I did a meditation, effortless. I felt powerful waves of bliss. Had to think about the black holes/portals of Ben & Jocelyn moving about, creating this high frequency bubble, or dome. Plus light beings from above. So happy, very giggly."
Right from the start there was this sense that somehow they covered the whole castle and grounds in a magical spell, wherein the One Infinite Intelligence could flow and we were all able to accelerate our destinies, get to know the right people, and execute our higher self tasks.
I also reminded myself of why I was here at the retreat. My intention was: the end of me. So I was very determined not to get distracted by the whole social thing, and also not by being 'someone' in relation to Bentinho.
I exactly got what I asked for when during the first session Bentinho pressed us to make a vow. To do something that messed up your routine and shook up your egoic personality. To bypass the mind and drop right into the heart. He gave some examples, like not brushing your teeth all week, changing you sleeping schedule, eating less or skipping meals, asking a question (if you are shy) - anything that went against your flow and felt unnatural, like a big stretch. In general he recommended to be in silence, at least until the 'workshop' sessions in the afternoon. Not just to be in silence, but to be aware of not speaking.
"Have a gentle Buddha smile, it opens the crown," he would say.
Himself, he vowed not to speak this retreat outside of his own sessions (this changed the day after into partial silence). This hurt again, because it crushed my phantasies of getting a chance to speak with my guru and connect with him. I noticed my inwardness was immediately challenged. Not only by my relation with Bentinho but also by this beautiful woman who sat beside me that first session that, combined with the energy that already pervaded the room, made me feel like I was in heaven, surrounded by angelic beings. Later that day I noticed that I got attached to that feeling, and was focussed on reliving the presence of this girl.
So much for not being involved in the 'social thing' 🙂
My challenge to myself; my vow
What also hurt was the vow. I decided not to drink coffee, but that was a somewhat safe choice, because I already noticed coffee added this disturbing layer of adrenaline onto an already perfect smooth energy. So to challenge myself, I knew I had to do something more and again I was confronted with my ego.
Before this retreat I had spent days (I wish I exaggerated, but no) looking to buy some shirts and sweaters to wear, in order to feel comfortable around people. I couldn't deny that I was so involved with my own presentation in relation to others, that I felt challenging myself on this would give me the most benefit. So the idea came up to just join the sessions next day in my jogging pants, flip flops and a white t-shirt and not spending much time doing my hair. But the whole idea of not dressing up was very unpleasant to me.
From my notes:
"Are you here for appearances or for the end of YOU?!?!
Dang it. I feel silly and paranoid, thinking: what if they are laughing their asses off, when people do these exercises, making fools of themselves."
I let it rest for then to decide the day after.
During the Ryan and Anurag session later that day we were encouraged to step into non-linearity and to see what happens. To be fully in the moment, without pretense. To give up completely all expectations.
To be willing to see where that takes you.
To notice it when you are planning, when you are having a 'from A to B to C' - thought.
To just flow with the now and be you.
After those afternoon sessions I tried this. Not to spent (too much) thought about where to eat, when to eat, where to sit, but just flow with the moment, follow my desire of what felt basically good. I ended up at a table and had a wonderful conversation about ascension, disclosure, timelines. This person was relatively knew to Bentinho but had already bought a ticket for Sedona, reflecting back to me that I could just buy a ticket too without knowing how and what to do there.
Then after dinner I found a guy sitting alone that I had connected with earlier, spending time next to him in silence before a session. Another great conversation ensued and we had similar minds and desires and our hearts opened up fully within minutes. It felt wonderful to meet this male friend, like a true gift, a great bestowal from above.
Right after we had a beautiful evening session where Bentinho guided a meditation that involved only surrender and receiving. Instead of going for the Absolute with single pointed awareness this was about receiving the Light of God in complete faith and knowing that it is done. All your desires fulfilled, like that.
It brought me great spacious visions, and in that moment suddenly I saw myself in Sedona with the person I had just met, being roommates and becoming best buddies. It felt so good, knowing it was already done.
I also had a visual of a big radiotelescope loading up with this blue laserbeam, ready to shoot - but not shooting. The potential in the group was palpable.
Waking up in my tent that morning, lots of rain, hardly slept, I was still undecided about the vow of not caring about my clothes. My mind started bargaining. Why would I do this vow, was it really necessary? Why make things so uncomfortable for myself? Wouldn't I ruin all chances of connecting with Bentinho and co if I looked like an idiot? Wasn't this retreat supposed to be fun - forgetting for a moment that I was here for the end of me.
I randomly opened the one book that I brought and caught this passage:
"When it comes to spirituality, it is not a matter of applying for a job, of dressing up to impress our potential employer. Such deception does not apply to an interview with a guru, because he sees right through us. He is amused if we dress up especially for the interview."
So I went to take a shower and afterwards kept on my jogging pants and flip flops. It was pouring rain and I walked the court under this broken umbrella, feeling naked and looking like a fool, and suddenly this great exhilaration and giddiness came over me. I walked past people returning from yoga class and I had nothing to communicate but my smile and my love and my 'unpresentable' self.
It was fucking beautiful.
It was such a relief.
It got so hilarious.
Later on during the retreat it became quite comfortable wearing jogging pants and not spending a thought about it, so I decided to switch back and play around with it for a bit. It was interesting to notice that every time when I had just one thought about what to wear, the mind came in (and thus the whole world): which shirt to wear, what trousers, how do I look.
In the afternoon we did a powerful practice of how when something is not showing up in your reality, or when it's something you don't like, it still is exactly what you want. So whenever catalyst happens, you can try this: take full responsibility and claim it.
So I wrote down: 'I want to go to Sedona.'
And: 'I don't want to go to Sedona.'
The latter also felt true! Because part of me was still hesitant, not ready, not really ready, not like pack-your-bags-now ready and really leave my partner and apartment in Amsterdam.
Everything is your intention reflected back at you!
Every single thing in your life!!!
Doesn't that feel gooooood? O yes, because it is TRUE.
While listening to the rest of the co-creation session of the afternoon I became distracted by the intense energies going on in the room. I felt some stomach pain, then it cleared up, broke into laughter. I also automatically hooked up with the person next to me. Although we didn't say a word, and she was also responding to what was happening on stage, I could sense that on another level we were deeply engaged in cleaning and clearing up energies. She started laughing, I felt pain. She cried, I cleared up. It was beautiful.
This happened more and more during the sessions, where one part of me was half aware of the stage and on another level all this deep healing and synchronizing was going on. I thoroughly enjoyed that and it has been one the greatest eye-openers for me. Sometimes I hardly heard what was said, being fully in presence-awareness, churning energies, or going further inward, reaching I-I levels. Sometimes I sat like a rock for an hour with eyes closed and a Buddha smile.
Ecstatic Dance Party...
In the evening there was the first ecstatic dance party. Before the retreat I had been skeptical of the party-elements, even treating it at as an excuse not to come down in physical presence but follow via livestream. Now I understand how essential they were. Not just for integrating and embodying all the new codes and frequencies, but also to gain deeper understanding of following your bliss through your body.
I had never done this before, dancing in silence, on bare feet, trying to be totally inward and not minding others. It was challenging at first but it really helped to go back to stillness when you lost your flow by having a thought about someone or something. To just stop and bring yourself back to a simple sway, waiting for another movement, even as slight as the moving of your pinkie. After 20 minutes I thought: 'this is not going anywhere', only to see an epic dance adventure unfolding out of nothing.
I had a blast.
At the start of the evening I had been totally aware of the girl I had gotten attached to the day before, and having spotted her in the corner, I was going to make my way up to her, my mind planning all sorts. Yeah lol. Until she suddenly vanished and I didn't see her anymore all night.
I'm 36, and this is hilarious. I need to hug more men 😉
After the last song I was relaxing and grounding from the vibes, but still part of me was busy looking for her. I sat near the side, eyes closed, feeling the vibes settle, until I opened them again and there she was! Right in my field of vision, in the middle of the room, completely in bliss with some male counterpart, totally in unison.
Ivo was quite hurt, but he also got exactly what he wanted and that was hilarious! He had entertained the thought of desiring a union, maybe even a physical one, who knows, but another part of him didn't want to get involved with anyone at all, being here for the end of himself. How did the two even relate?
So quite naturally I got rid of that attachment, with a short pang of hurt, but upon understanding this, without feeling anything unresolved or spiteful towards her and her new found bliss partner. My heart opened, and letting go happened instantly.
"We only need catalyst, because we are too comfortable,"
Bentinho had said.
Let that sink in.
I had come to this retreat expecting more of the Absolute neti neti and teachings in line with the Sedona school, but we got a lot of mixed approaches. One that I liked but also confused me was the practice of receiving the light and knowing that it is done. How did that relate to the discipline and consistency of the Sedona school sessions? A question arose.
Now Bentinho brought forth another approach: the other way of Self-Realization is not so much to practice it, but to will it. To transcend it simply by sheer will, by one-pointedness. Everything in this Universe is Free Will, and thus this one-pointedness is extremely powerful: you can puncture the containers just by willing it. You might not understand at first, but it will sink in later.
Then he started painting the Absolute again, and as happens lately every time when Bentinho puts words to these experiences I could feel myself slipping away.
"Existence becomes so tiny, a speck in the vastness of You, the Infinite, the MOST INTIMATE you..."
In the afternoon I noticed a certain lull in myself, like the first wave of merging of energies was out-stabilized. For a moment I had enough of all the smiles, and I noticed it was probably resistance coming up, after being inward for three days now. I reminded myself to see everyone in the highest light and I used another pointer by Bentinho that became a great permission slip for me to deal with anything.
In the afternoon Anurag rounded up his approach of the flow state as the ultimate state of grace of being yourself. When you are you, you have no idea of doing, it is just you.
I had an epiphany when someone shared that whenever we are in our calling and hold that frequency, we open the space for someone else to feel that calling. Something clicked upon hearing that: that we really need not DO anything. When we are in our core frequency our waves will take care of everything. We literally create the space of our calling, effecting others to recognize that frequency, and 'benefit' from it.
Being is beaming.
We also did eye-gazing exercises and that was an interesting experience to. Both me and my partner saw demonic troll faces appearing in the other, like a broken mirror conjuring up weird images.
That night Bentinho's new partner Jocelyn came on stage for the first time, and it was pure regality to see them sitting there together. Everybody seemed to feel the utter beauty of humanity connected, like an ancient people before their King and Queen. It was a reverence not from dull obedience or blind admiration, but an uplifting one, uniting everyone in a profound connectedness. Jocelyn & Bentinho were simply representations of Union on this physical plane, exemplifying the Feminine and Masculine.
"No mind. Just be. So much love."
This was the day of the already famous Mary Magdalene session and the intense collective healing, but for me it was also a day of personal challenge: of asking a question and (feeling like) being ignored completely.
Let me get into that first.
Already the day before a question had come up, but this day I felt like really sharing something about my relationship that felt very relevant. Because like many I am not at ease of speaking in public and still have remnants of 'performance anxiety', I thought it was also a nice challenge for me to ask a question.
At the same time I was fully aware that by wanting to ask a question I was bringing myself into play and this turned into a most excruciating torture game with myself. Whenever there was room for a question I felt myself a bit wavering, doubting my motivation and also the contribution of my story, but whenever someone else came on stage I felt myself comparing their question and story to mine. Seeing my story as increasingly valuable I got more and more fired up and really wanted to be asked, only to reprimand myself for being so egotistically involved. Then I would give up asking a question altogether, only to try again a next round.
It often happened that when I didn't raise my hand it seemed I had missed the perfect opportunity and then when I did raise it, Bentinho seemed to deliberately look only in the other half of the room. At some point I seemed to be the only one raising an arm and I thought for sure it's my turn now, when he just overlooked me, waiting for someone else to pop up.
I think I put my hand up 25 times that day, to no avail.
During a break I walked outside frustrated, when suddenly one of the peacocks that roamed the castle grounds showed all its colors. But not to me, I looked at its behind. Whenever I tried to go round him, he turned around too, only showing me his peacock asshole. Only when I turned and give up, he turned too, showing his full radiating beauty in my direction too.
Not just the guru, not just other people, but everything becomes your teacher. Everything will reflect you. It is the most intense and bizarre thing. Do you come from a place of wholeness, of giving, of abundance? Or are you wanting and lacking and hunting? Are you fulfilled with emptiness or are you full of hunger? Everything teaches you.
Whenever I was looking for something or someone during this retreat, I felt I was placing myself outside of the magic, hunting for the ego fulfillment. Whenever I let go, stayed in my completeness and followed my bliss from that place, not needing anything, beautiful things happened.
So... the Magdalene session.
Yes. It was magnificent.
Something from the collective opened up there big time and it was beautiful to experience. Myself, I felt no emotional release during that session, just a perfect crystal clearness. I kept thinking: give it to me, give it to me, I can take it, bring it on. I connected with both my female neighbors, holding hands, creating a grid, being and holding the space. For those of you who don't know what happened, there is a video out now. You can watch the whole thing, it's beyond words.
In the evening, there was the itch of asking a question again and I scratched foolishly again, only to get burned a couple of times more. By now it became hilarious to see Ivo suffer that much.
"Call everything by the same name," Bentinho said.
So I said: everything is Love at Work.
Everything happens in my best interest.
And it felt so good.
Because it is so so true.
In the morning I had perhaps my low point of the week. Frustrated with not being able to ask my question and my body exhausted with the constant adrenaline rushes, I woke up cranky, which was quite unusual.
At home I can be moody, swinging multiple times a day, but here my base frequency was peace and happiness, that easily burst into bliss and sheer laughter. To see someone and simply start giggling was quite common - the vibe was ultra high. Some people even looked like drug addicts, just staring into bliss with this dumb look on their face. Eating was a real trouble for some; I ate less the whole retreat, with zero cravings happening.
I also noticed - back at home - that I'd had no physical ailments that week. Usually I have some digestive problems, some congestion of sinuses. Nothing of that!
So I went to yoga and had a wonderful session. As a side note, the yoga Ayla teaches is the most simple but profound bodywork I have come upon. It touches all the infinite layers of you. Painful and confrontational, but so wholesome and full of love.
Something cleared and I had a nice big cry that session, which was about opening the root chakra and embracing that fearful part of you.
Feeling all cleansed the Bentinho session opened with beautiful piano play, and I realized - lovingly - how I had been a fool. I had been a fool, wanting to be on stage, wanting to add myself into the equation, and (de)evaluating others and their contributions. I got so attached to being picked by Bentinho. To share something incredibly beautiful and uplifting about my relationship, and gain recognition from the whole crowd. And to have a testament of being on stage, of being there.
From this place of completeness I realized how unnecessary that was.
With the soothing tones of the piano I felt like bowing in humility to all of humanity.
Then there was part II of the collective healing, this time set in motion by two men, sharing their experiences raw and ballsy. A woman was directed on stage by the Infinite One to channel a powerful call for men to embrace their feminine. Only by hugging each other, we can heal the black holes inside of us, she urged.
Everywhere in the room the men hugged. It was great.
Still, one hug doesn't solve all, and again I was in the thrall of a certain female person. It gets repetitive, I know, I just mention it because this is how it goes. Sometimes all it takes is to look into a pair of eyes and upon sensing a certain vulnerability, in a second I get hooked and pulled outwards into that soothing softness of the female other.
So I decided to go sit next to her, bringing myself in, only to get shredded again. It was less painful this time, I was looking for it deliberately. To get rid of it. To face the pain, bring it to presence, and release it automatically. Like the yoga in the morning. To burn it now and not bring it to the dance evening and be in chasing mode all night.
In the afternoon Bentinho addressed the difference between wanting something and wanting something badly. Nothing special, but it made me realize how black and white we can be: what about empowerment and realizing your dreams when we should discard everything and stay in the formless I-I?
You can have your joy. You can have your cake and you can even eat it too. But if things don't go your way, you simply don't mind.
You are perfectly fine.
You are complete.
Either meditate or play.
The whole struggle between enlightenment and empowerment is resolved in that dichotomy.
Life is simple.
In the last afternoon session with Ryan I partnered up with my male friend buddy - we had been most excellent in catching up briefly each day and then giving each other space to freely roam- to find out we had to describe ourselves as being a character in a movie. It was awesome to have a 7 minute summary of his life - we had hardly exchanged 3d life details - only to find out that the whole story didn't quite matter - that our connection was pure frequency based.
I can relate to this guy better than to any of my friends, and when we facetime now it feels like the most natural thing.
That happens when callings relate.
If you don't get this by now: frequency-based living is awesome. Having tasted that for a whole week there is nothing else I want anymore.
Everything geared up for the big party that night. There was something very powerful and potent in the air, upon entering the dance floor. Other people felt it too, swirling around in the middle, like there was a vortex spinning already. It took Bentinho some time to open the evening and I had a hard time containing all the energy, feeling like a tiger in a cage.
After a beautiful intro where Bentinho encouraged us to anchor in our highest callings and then let go, to let the One do his work and orchestrate, we were set loose. The music picked up, and we followed our trails. Still I could not find a continuous groove that evening: I sort of went in and out of dancing, feeling into the room, sensing what was up, what was happening.
There was someone that I had wanted to speak with all week, knowing her from the community and wanting to exchange thoughts. We met right off at Monday but hadn't spoken all week, although there were several times we made eye contact. But every time, it felt like: not yet, not yet. Then, the dance evening coming to a close, she was lingering in front of me, and I went up to her asking if she liked to have a talk.
We chatted a bit but quickly became engaged in this truthful conversation about our callings. We had the same one: people experiencing truth, although she used a beautiful metaphor instead of the word itself. We exchanged thoughts about the teachings and Sedona, and while talking with her, one light after the other went on. There was so much connection and aliveness happening.
At one point she exclaimed: o my God, you are just like me! The engagement became very non verbal, we looked each other into the eyes, laughing, I said I was feeling this very intense energy coming up and she felt it too. So we stood there, eyes closed, almost dizzy with vibrations, while the music went on around us.
I brought Sedona up again, asking why she wasn't there. She said she wasn't sure: she absolutely loved Bentinho and wanted to be with him.
I said I loved him too, enormously. I remember using that specific word, enormously - it sounded dumb then already but unmistakenly true. I went on saying how this week had been amazing for me, how I had really felt like being at home.
Then I had the weirdest sensation: something I can only describe as a mixture of dissolvement and destiny. Everything in the room seemed to disappear, but this moment of complete recognition: I realized, within an instant, that my old life was over, flushed, just like that. That my future was in Sedona and somehow connected to her.
When I expressed to her what was happening, while it was happening, it was as if the One spoke through me, a voice saying the words, not me. I felt in complete 100% alignment, like never before. As if walking a bridge that is constructed right under your feet, as you move, but feeling more like the bridge itself than as the one moving. The music in perfect synch, and time opening up as space, as a solid timeless structure, to be seen from all sides simultaneously, while reality unfolds on the inside.
We looked at each other, eyes wide open, burst into laughing, hugged, burst into laughing again.
Yet there was my mind also, racing to catch up with the terminal velocity of the One Infinite.
Is this meant to be?
Does this mean we have to stay together now?
How does this work?
Does she understand?
Are we on the same level?
Is this real?
We stood there for some time, suspended, and then she told me she had to pee. I laughed and my whole body vibrating with power I walked to the side, almost faltering, engulfed in ecstatic bliss. I sat down and closed my eyes. A voice boomed, with massive delay:
These words echoed, with this low ultra deep quality, as if from the depths of time and space the Universe uttered a truth so complete it was eternal, set in stone, swallowing everything else. As if it had found its other primordial half.
O how beyond it was!
And at the same time so intimate.
So close, so utterly and devastatingly close!!
When she came back from the toilet she had dropped into her more regular self again and things came to a bit of an awkard end when she abruptly left with her friends. Afterwards I realized better how intense and lightly insane I must have had sounded. I told her she had to go to Sedona and I had to go to Sedona - there was nothing to it, it was simpy the truth. I also thought we were going to talk for hours! Making plans, you know, arranging our destinies.
I see better now: that it was the mind who brought in all sorts of ideas, of being together, of planning, of making things happen. When, how and what. I see and feel now that none of those circumstances matter. That it was a moment of pure soul fulfillment. That there was, is and will never be anything to add to it or detract from it. That it was utterly complete, as if a whole life, a thousand lives, were captured in that one single moment.
Yet still in the thrill of this 'broken off' channeling I was quite flustered, although the universe lovingly arranged to sent two angels that provided me with the right after care. Someone came up to me to ask if I was alright, and it was nice to share some of it immediately. Later I stumbled upon the campfire outside, where people were chilling and dancing and I was instantly cuddled. Warmed by the fire and the love in the circle I could ground this epic completion into my being.
Feeling infinitely grateful yet still somewhat vulnerable and shaken up I did my yoga class and had breakfast after outside on a bench.
I sat beside a woman I had talked to earlier in the week, when she had broken into a conversation I had with my male buddy, remarking on how nice it was to hear two males discuss feelings and emotions. It opened up a nice talk about male and female energies, before it became a topic on stage: all those things were already in the ether.
Having breakfast now, she asked me if I spoke, and I nodded no, but gestured that I could listen.
Perhaps this is relevant, that I listened without being able to talk back.
She shared how powerful the silence had been for her, and how she could feel all those things happening underneath. She said she was not going to resist the ripples, while she moved closer to me.
What followed then was a 40 minute session of one of the most intimate and intense cuddling I have ever experienced. We put our cheeks together, I caressed her arm, touched her hands. At times she had to cry, take a tissue and pause, then the cuddling continued in a slightly different position. I stroked her back, buried my head between her shoulders. It all felt so good, so extremely soft and tender and good.
There was even this climax where we both squeezed each other tightly a couple of times, before letting go and going separate ways again, in silence. After the final session that day I came upon her by accident. 'We healed the world', she said, and we gave each other a big hug, before she left, saying her children were waiting.
Somehow I still feel I only scratched the surface with this story of a retreat, but perhaps this last experience was closest to the general vibe of that magical week: wordless communication.
The further into the retreat and especially after the Magdalene sessions it was not uncommon at all to see strangers having the most intimate moments. Left and right you could see people hugging and caressing each other, falling into these intense moments with each other, ignoring everything and everyone else for long periods of time. You could see people eye-gazing in the dinner room, with plates untouched, forks and knives suspended in the air, food still on it. When you walked by again 20 minutes later they were still sitting there. I saw people laying on the dance floor in the middle of the party, staring wordlessly into each others eyes for ages and eons.
There was no time in this place.
This was heaven.
And I'm infinitely grateful that this retreat gave me that experience. Contrary to what I thought I was looking for - that is, more direct and controlled experience of the Absolute - it taught me how to BE in relation to others. How to open up and exchange, without being a person. To have non-personal communication, to have an intimacy of selves, beyond lack and before need.
From day one I had felt like a fish in the water. Just radiating love and seeing everything being arranged, because all was coming from the cleanliness of our hearts.
And then we were done, we packed our bags.
Could we bring this home?
Back in the World
I have to add another story line here because the magic continued, the ripples creating all sorts of powerful effects.
So bear with me a little longer, it is worth it...
I have to give a short sketch of my home situation:
My partner and I have been in the process of letting go of each other for almost a year now. We have a beautiful relationship, but we also feel it is somehow finished and our paths might be diverging. We both wish for each other the highest, most expansive choices, even if this involves going separate ways after seven years of intense sharing.
Two weeks before the retreat my partner told me she had suddenly fallen in love with someone and wanted to pursue that desire. She wanted to experience falling in love and riding that out completely.
My first response had been excitement. It was so beautiful to see her in that space of total recognition of her desire. Then, on second thought, I could feel the jealousy, the fear and the pain coming in too but all in all that was a rather dim appearance compared to the light of that truth.
We understood then that we could never lose each other. That we could always meet in this frequency of our higher selves, whatever the circumstances.
Before I went for the retreat, I released her and our relational contract of not sleeping with anybody else. I was going for the end of me, and not knowing how I returned as well, it only felt natural to reciprocate the same freedom.
So driving back to Amsterdam, knowing that she might have had a date, I could feel the tension in my stomach already. Did it happen? What would I find home? Would there still be a home?
Strange as it was to enter the bustling city again, even stranger my apartment appeared. Everything in it felt completely meaningless, like something from another plane of existence, a stale and deadish dimension. My partner had a sense of unrealness too, although hugging her felt good.
Right off the bat I asked if she had seen him, but she hadn't. In fact, she had been in pain all week. Aware of the self-creating drama but unable to resolve it, she had spent the week being chased by thoughts of losing me completely. Of being left behind in the 3d world, while I was off exploring galaxies, with new friends and people and a new soul mate.
I told her I did have a destiny meeting. And I also added: you know with whom. Weeks before she had made a remark about this very person, in a way predicting my connection with her, and now she responded at once with that same name.
It was beautiful, it brought instant relief in the field.
Because - and you should know this by now 🙂 - it was true.
And because it was true she could accept it, and we met in this higher frequency of truth, just as before we could. Then I was able to communicate freely what I had experienced all week, not thinking about how she would perceive things, just telling it how it was. Everything. And she was able to catch on.
While still at the dinner table, I suddenly dropped into the most intense bliss wave I have experienced until now, much more even than at the retreat. I just fell silent, my eyes closed and I was engulfed with pure ecstasy. I started laughing. I started laughing so incredibly hard, I couldn't hold it. And she started laughing too. Slipstreaming in the vibration of truth she could insta-feel the bliss waves and recognize the essence of the retreat, the pervasive light and love.
In total peace we went to bed.
Then in the morning I sensed her wanting to make love to me. Yet I was determined not to let the world back in that quickly and to stay inward, deaf for any wantings, those of my partner included. I reflected her desire back to her, asking if she could stay with the feeling of desire, without wanting to have it go away. Without it having to be fulfilled by me.
She tried. And then the One Infinite took over from me and what ensued was a spontaneous channeling where 'I' guided my girlfriend into her Divine Feminine.
I cannot describe it otherwise.
With words and gestures I reconnected her with her innermost self, leading to a powerful climax where she started shaking and laughing and crying deeply and uncontrollably, in full surrender.
It was the most beautiful thing to see, and I could feel she had deeply healed and reconnected with a part of herself. In her own words: she felt a blissful energy that made orgasm into an insignificant detail.
I was amazed myself, never having done anything like that. I am way too self conscious to improvise, but everything just flowed by itself.
Since then all week she has been in that state. She is even more blissful than I am (kind of annoying, true). Whenever truth is spoken, she responds with a fire between her thighs, that is sexual but at the same time much much more. It is a complete and wholesome sensuality, an embracing of her feminine and a being moved from the inside. Her natural way of moving is more like dancing! It is very exciting to watch and be around.
So free, so shameless, so powerful.
Women, all of you, embrace this and the planet is insta-healed. We men might have to adjust a minute to this awe inspiring freedom, but we are ready. So step into it fully.
In the afternoon another one of those chanellings happened. There was a retreat afterparty and Bentinho and co were coming too. This sent my partner right back into that low vibe she had been in all week: the fear of losing me, of being left behind.
Again, the One took over and a ritual unfolded. This time it guided us into an ending of our 3d relationship. We had invested so much love and energy into us, that we both felt that by going after our desires we would betray ourselves and spill those seven years of bonding. The relation was like a giant piece of rock that we were both responsible for and obligated to.
And yes, we could honor it by staying with each other untill old age would eventually separate us anyhow in this earth life. Letting go of each other at some point was inevitable. And wouldn't it be selfish to keep ourselves just for the two of us? Wouldn't it feel like staying small, like choking our beams of light?
So we left it on the table, this big piece of us. We left it and stepped into our new selves, our higher selves, because we had all this beauty and love to pour into this world. We had our callings to spill. Were we not meant to bring this light into the world, and be an example?
Fearless, free, in truth?
We looked at each other, tears flowing from our eyes, knowing it was done.
She went to her studio, in peace, and I left for the afterparty.
There, beyond all wanting and expecting, my heart got everything it desired after all. Standing outside, talking on the deck of the boat, having a heartfelt share with someone that was coming to a close, I felt something in my field. I turned and suddenly looked into the sun of my guru. In the transparency of his eyes I recognized something.
The Never End
And so here ends the never-ending story.
Everything that happened during this retreat was not about dreams coming true.
It was simply a prolonged manifestation of truth within the dream.
It was the shattering of the dream into Oneness, into Nowness, into Unity.
We can continue to bring more of that into our lives, into this world, if we so desire.
Go inward, dust off the treasure that lies waiting.
Then, allow it to shine forth.
Gods, all of you.
Watch the entire Netherlands Retreat Here, which Bentinho stated is in many ways the best retreat he ever experienced.
Join Next year's Baarlo Retreat (same venue as where Ivo had this whole experience).
For ALL content and weekly live streams, check out Bentinho's definitive platform for the sincere and committed spiritual adept: www.BentinhoMassaro.tv
--> Incredible Images taken by Anne Koop