I haven't been online much in the last few weeks, but when I do briefly check in with the community, I get the question "What happened in the dark room??" a lot. I have been silent so far on my current process, because I had to release any and all attachments and conditions that I had gathered upon my beingness over the last several years of trying to enlighten the world. :-)
The following two-part update is a long, windy road of realizations and descriptions of my current journey, but I think the keen adept will find plenty of nuggets in here for their own personal/impersonal journeys. Part one being the more personal journey, part 2 addressing the impersonal one. Part two will come soon.
Enjoy, and bear with me as I don't strain myself too much to try to create a well ordered or structured post. I just want to get the information out there. Consider these thoughts to be musings from a retiring consciousness-beingness.
The first part of this blog post will give you some more personal background. If you'd rather skip to the novel Self-Realization stuff, feel free to skip to the very last chapter title on this page, and then move on to Part 2 if you don't care as much about my process leading up to all this.
What happened in the dark room?
Sounds like a kinky question. But for those unaware, I was going to be in Darkness for two weeks, to merge more within myself and discover what I need for the next phase of my life, and to shed my skin from the past (almost) 29 years. But especially the stuff I have accumulated on one level or another over the past 6 or so years.
Two weeks ago when I was in the dark room retreat, I thought it would be so awesome to report on the process I went through as it seemed significant at the time. But what I have been entering into after coming out of darkness has been so much more consuming that to report on what happened during each phase of the darkness retreat now seems irrelevant and insignificant, though it was very necessary. Maybe one day I'll share those details and I might refer to it occasionally here in this post so you'll get a general sense of it anyway. But in this update I will share the much more significant transition that is happening for me, and some of my struggles leading up to that, for which the darkroom only was a necessary purging to clear the stage from all distractions.
After day 5 of an incredibly intense and wild rollercoaster-in-the-dark retreat experience I felt I had completed my reason for being there. But I did not want to jump to conclusions so I stayed another 48 hours to be sure, but indeed the process had exhausted itself, the visions and journeying within my psyche had practically stopped, the rollercoaster cart was just cruising along a straight stretch now. I could feel the next stage of my desired transition calling me out of the dark room with a strong gravitational force. I triple checked in with myself if it was a tendency of avoidance of any kind, or genuine, but it became clear that I really had to leave. Something more was awaiting me and the timing for it was now.
So after 7 days of darkness I left the retreat, and this is where my real revelations and life began. And man. Oh boy. Literally something else. I'll attempt to explain in Part 2. But I still feel novel at it so I may see things somewhat differently when more fully established in this new way, when looking back on some of the things the Bentinho/me blend is saying at this stage of the transition. But I figured it's still worth reporting on the journey while it is happening, even though perfection isn't established yet, as long as reporting while it's still novel is not distracting me from the training I'm in and the purity I desire to attain.
Exhausting the Bodhisattva Principle in me
Hi. This is me. Or rather, this has been me. It's a good, short summary of my life over the past 4-6 or so years.
I've always had an extremely strong urge to serve. It's been driving me nuts ever since I started my personal journey to Enlightenment around the age of 15.
Strong pre-brith inclinations and thematic blueprints/archetypes in people (myself in this case), even if the inclinations come from a pure place, post-incarnation--or rather post-veil--can lead to some pretty interesting mental projections as the mind tries to give some kind of shape and understanding to these powerful forces that drive our sense of who we are and what our purpose in being here is. You've all met those who live in fantasy land because they could not help but refrain from interpreting these powerful, genuine impulses that are coming from their blue-print level self. So they became believers of unicorns and fairies (they do exist, actually, but that's besides the point) because they did not know how to give a more balanced, grounded shape to their calling.
I have definitely fallen prey to this in subtle ways myself that build on each other over the last few years. I've always been able to keep it together pretty well, thank god, considering that the forces that drive me as well as the forces that attempt to interfere with my journey by exacerbating my weaknesses and blind spots, attempting to nullify my viability as someone who is of service to this spiritually awakening planet have been non-stop in their intensity for as long as I can remember. The polarities have always raged strongly in me, while I did my best to stay focused on the road ahead and the task I was actually called to.
For those who are familiar with my work and some of the metaphysical background of Creation as I see it (the densities, Law of One, etc.) you will be able to see everything I am about to write in a bigger context. But you'll be able to understand without it as well from your own intuitive experience.
One example to illustrate this force at play is at the age of 18 that I had to somehow save/enlighten the entire world before December 2012. This at certain times weighed so heavy on me while I was still very much finding my own way with Consciousness and who I was, it would literally make me sick repeatedly as I had no idea how I was going to accomplish that but the drive for it would not let me go. I could not abandon it for some reason. I HAD to become everything I could be to help as many people as possible.
Then when the world didn't burn itself up because the collective had indeed shifted into a more gradual version of its ascension through the combined efforts of tens of millions of wanderers, light bringers if you will, and support from other systems and densities, I felt relieved. But the strong impulse to serve never went anywhere.
Resisting Complete Nirvana
Many times during my journey over the last few years, I have felt this strong yearning to merge with the One Infinite Creator. To just completely let myself go and give up everything I think is relevant or valuable for the people of Earth, surrender all my responsibilities and the structures I have set up. I fairly consciously have chosen many times to 'hang in here' a little while longer. Stretch the elastic band a little farther because I felt I could take on more.
But, the truth is that I have grown gradually more burdened over the years, and although I feel I have been able to manage it with a great degree of balance, calmness and integrity, it always has felt tense to 'be here' and project a type of role that would act as the medium for contact between my inner self, and the people who called for its delivery.
This sense of matching other people's vibrations to accommodate where they are at, has strongly infiltrated my personal relationships as well. I always felt slightly uncomfortable around people because I never gave myself permission to fully show up as my true self. I became an actor, or rather, I put a filter or dimmer on my true being so I would be more normal in appearance and not cause distortions around me.
My reasons for not showing up as my true self were ultimately rooted in a combination of fear and desiring to be most of service to those around me. The handful of times in my life that I have allowed myself to be undistorted in recent years, it seemed to blow people's fuses. They would get confused around me. I'm not kidding, it was dis-arranging for them.
I recall this one experience in an english diner/pub of sorts where I enjoyed some food with a couple of friends from England, and the waitress came over. I felt very present, and I didn't feel like dimming down as much. I could feel my energy building up more than I would usually allow to happen when interacting with people (I would usually scatter my energy rather that have it be fully present, as it can feel intrusive). As she came over to take our order, she couldn't hear a word I said and she asked me to repeat it several times while she was scribbling and scratching on her note pad. She looked perfectly fine when she approached our table, but once she was standing next to me, she could not control herself properly. She was trying to make sense of what was happening, but her brain was scrambled. My two friends recognized what happened and we had a good laugh over it, but I felt a little bad, as it had an actual effect that was palpable and seemingly disruptive.
I have always wanted to protect people from being intrusive in this way, bringing up their psyche's demons too quickly and without them having the context for this, so I tend to dose and scatter myself when around others, which comes at a cost when you spend 365 days out of the year constantly in interaction with people, friends, relationships, projects and a global community of people. I literally, before this trip, cannot remember a single day where I was all by myself in the past two years. Not a single day. I'm sure some of you can relate to a lot of this in your own ways.
In the darkness retreat, I had to shed all this. Allison and I even broke up in total darkness because I have to be with myself and our relationship had already been reaching its end for a while. It truly was a beautiful and unique mutual decision, and it was beautiful doing it in the dark, as we had both felt this coming for a while. I have never experienced such a loving and beautifully connected break up, where the break up actually feels like a mutually understood expansion, rather than a breaking apart of a connection. Instead of saying goodbye, it felt more like saying hello. If that makes sense. After all, love cannot be severed, try as you may, only illusions can.
On that same note, I have always had a hard time breaking up with people. I hate it. I don't believe in it. Its false. It's man made. There is no such thing as breaking up. We deviced relationships, and consequent breaking up, to protect ourselves. Yet when we're in a relationship, we never fully let our guards down because we fear the break up that we created for our own protection. Huh?
Where I come from, pre-birth if you will, or rather where I exist right now with the majority of my beingness-totality, is a place of light with no walls. Disconnect is impossible. I have always felt like a guardian of my relationships, like a father wanting to make them know they are infinitely worthy and wanting to avoid what would not make them feel worthy. But it would usually result in the opposite for a little while, until they got over a hump of sorts and got a lot of benefit out of it later on in the relationship, or after the break up.
Seeing the sheer beauty, perceived vulnerability (in their minds regarding themselves) and potential in their beingness for free expression, and wanting with all of my heart to be this space of support and encouragement and training for that... when it is time to break up, it seems so unnatural to me this illusion of separating oneself from another because the persons have differences. Anyway, who cares. It was nice to experience caring so deeply with a certain level of attachment. But...
It has taken its toll on me. Not just the intimate relationships, but any and all relationships. I had become jaded. I was starting to regretfully resent the people I came here to serve, because transcendence had been calling me for several years now, yet I was holding on to Earthly ideas and relationships, trying to squeeze every drop of service out of it while "I'm still here." That's like feeling like taking the best shower of your life but not doing so for several years because you fear you'll be to clean. Doesn't really make any sense, but that has been my perception.
But in many ways it did actually kind of make a lot of sense in retrospect because had I not hold off on the journey I am slipping into at present, there is no way I would have created the empowerment courses and material that mainstream can relate to more and awaken through. I had to take this detour for a reason, and I know that if I were to fully let go, I would not have been able to hold the perspective necessary to find the inspiration to explore that whole route and distill these teachings for others. I had to delude and keep myself clouded from my truest self to an extent in order to be able to believe in what I was doing and be of service to those who are not yet natively as experienced as my beingness-totality is. So I am, after all, appreciative of the fact that I did know this intuitively even though I was more obscured, and I am glad that I did hold off on this delicious eternal shower that I am allowing myself to enter into now.
But no more. I kindly resign my former self. I have given myself permission to no longer project a version of myself that people can relate to, unless it truly causes no strain for me. 90%+ of this tendency to show up in a relatable way has been dropped, my attachment to any of my former life has been positively destroyed, yet I'm finding that it is hard to give up the subtlest of tendencies to show up in a relatable way completely. When someone on the streets asks you for directions, or your waiter asks you for your order, and you feel like continuing your Samadhi by silently staring into infinite vastness instead, what do you do? Just stand/sit there like an imbecile thats ignoring the request that's right in front of his face? Possibly, yes. And also, create an environment going forward where that is more possible, and more understood. For example, by being more by myself, or with people who now understand my new state. Or even appreciate it and want to sit with it and absorb themselves in its radiance so they can master it within themselves more easily.
I have also had to let go of any attachment or even affinity I had with my former friends, family, Allison, the boulder crew, and the company. I left the what's app group we have had forever. It's been a process of truly letting myself not exit my Samadhi anymore because of reasons of service, perceptions others may have of me, or even attachments to long standing friendships, or making other people feel good or taking care of them. I haven't even told my inner circle where I am right now. Only the two people that were with me darkness retreat know. Feels so new and good to me to be off radar for the first time in forever. Sooo good, haha. Thank you friends for understanding, or not. But given the generosity in your hearts, I bet you do.
Side note: if anyone out there happens to spot me btw, please don't announce my location publicly for now. Thank you. And if I ignore any type of conversation with you, see if you can enjoy my silence instead.
I'm training this to its completion. I want to lose my entire Self in God until there is nothing left to pull me out of Brahman, and then drop God and rest in the Absolute One, Parabrahman, without any noticeable interruption. I have always longed for perfection. As a result I've been a perfectionist outwardly, but what I truly seek is to seek until perfection has been reached. Yes yes, I know, we're all already imperfectly imperfect, but I wish to be perfectly perfect. You don't have to judge yourself as being in any way imperfect, because it is true: you are perfect Brahman. God. Existence-Consciousness-Bliss. But I desire something very specific for myself. I desire what I perceive to be the ultimate for me.
I'm seeing all the subtle perspectives that still arise that tell me I should be relatable and not make people feel bad or weirded out. And actually, wonderful flow has been happening as a result, which I'll elaborate on in Part 2 of this update as well.
Time to myself, finally. Simplifying my life.
After the darkness retreat I didn't feel like telling anyone I was out. In darkness I had had a clear vision of an area that kept calling my attention. Reminiscent of Ramana's story with Arunachala calling the young awakened one to live at its foothills and be absorbed in Samadhi. I felt an irresistible calling to this location to renounce my former world and rest in Samadhi until permanently rested in Samadhi.
I also saw that if I were to have an outward life going forward, the first and possibly only thing that makes sense from the statelessness I am transitioning in to (again, more on this in Part 2) and for my purpose here which is to generate awakening in people, is to share space with people. To be together. Period. This life of having isolated retreats makes little sense. There is just so much time in between me being with the people I love and came here to assist, that I'm not actually having the environment that I came here for enough for my non-physical purpose to meet the physical road, so to speak.
I have been filling these stretches of time away from being with a group that wants to absorb and learn about the space I come from, up with ideas of becoming so multi-faceted in order to achieve some great things in the world. But it's all vanity in the end. Well-intended vanity, but still delusion and its just too much outward effort to maintain for a soul who came here really just to be a beacon for people to sit with.
Which reminds me when I was 22 or so and teaching, I trusted a little too much in this older guy who is respected in the spiritual community of North Carolina, who didn't quite understand that my frustration was coming from a pure place: "Sometimes I have this strong desire to just sit on a slab 24/7, and have people come and be with me. I feel a power arise in me when I am with people that isn't there when I'm by myself."
He took this to mean I was looking for power over/from others and basically abruptly shut me out of that community. It was a good lesson not to always trust people know where I come from and that I have to be careful with my words if I care at all about being understood in the slightest. But that's all becoming immaterial at this point anyway.
Facing myself, making decisions, simplifying my life
I have come to a clear halt, faced myself deeply, and it was really really rough (the darkness retreat, plus some days after) especially the part where I had to permanently let go of the people in my life, and myself as a sociable creature who loves people to death and always sees their greater potential/Self and wants them to know this.
I literally had to sever any and all attachment I had to anyone else's well being. The end of the Bodhisattva principle in me which has anchored me in the human realm for as long as it did. Now I can finally drop the Clark Kent actor and admit that I am Superman. :)
Which reminds me just as a quick addition, that one of the other main reasons I have always scattered my focus when around other people (which has been almost 24/7 so I had lost significant touch with how powerful my true Samadhi-state actually feels) was that I wanted to avoid becoming the guru. I wanted to blend in as another person that people can be friends with and feel comfortable around. One of the main distortions this collective carries with it, is the belief that it is possible to be less than someone else, and we are, perhaps genetically programmed to look up to Gods and worship idols and masters.
To minimize the distortions of this type of dynamic happening in the people around me, I would always act more silly, or stupid, or like I had more problems and challenges than I actually did, just so they could feel more comfortable and it would avoid them distracting themselves from their own journeys because they would potentially be mesmerized if I were to be in Samadhi all the time. It is, quite mesmerizing and magnetic after all. Hard to resist for any creature. If you're coming to the Netherlands retreat in July, or to our future property/center, you'll experience the power of it first hand if you haven't already in full. I am no longer holding back. And random people around me have started noticing. I'll tell you more about this in Part 2.
But in pretending like I was more distorted than I actually was, I actually became more distorted than I would have liked. Just subtle tensions that would develop into complexities that were adding to the burden I felt, and consequently increased the contrast I felt between my True Self, or Home, and 'being here' with 'these people.' But, again, I can no longer maintain this illusory separation from my True Self and had to do some serious work to in a short period of time get rid of almost a decade worth of pretending and taking on other people's frequencies and comfort zones, and the subtle conditionings that this had left in my energetic system. And like I said, I am not done yet. I am going to see this through all the way until my statelessness is uninterrupted. I don't care how long it takes, I'm sticking with it until there is nothing to stick with and all is completely resolved and gone beyond permanently.
But even in this early stage of my transition, my samadhis have already been taking leaps and bounds in comparison to before. I already no longer relate to Bentinho, his ways, the life he created, or his name. I feel greatly detached from almost everything. And I feel fairly confident that I can sit with an audience again soon enough without getting pulled out of my true state of Beingness in the least, even if I may still be working on making the jump from God/Consciousness/Beingness to the Absolute Infinite One permanent. This one is still super novel and a bit tricky to click into. It's so crazy subtle it's insane. And I don't wish to speak to much on behalf of it until I have become more established in it, yet I've already written down pages of sutras that describe the narrow path to walk to make the jump from experience-land to Infinite Oneness. It's the gateway out of Creation. Unending bliss and presence-deafening silence with no effort whatsoever. Ah man, don't get me started. I know I keep saying this, but more on this will come in Part 2.
I have been making environmental changes to my life and made a few promises to myself to restrict me from falling into my old tendencies until I have established myself firmly in God and Beyond. Until every last thing that I am not has been absorbed into my True Nature. I am planning to move away from Boulder to this new location, perhaps sell all my stuff, and live simply with little to no distractions and little to no promises to anybody. I need to disappear more out of life still until the whole concept of 'a life' has become foreign and insubstantial to me.
I'm going to return to Boulder for a week or two to clean some things up and take care of a failing business and its finances, handle a few logistics, but I plan to return to the area I am in now which I was called so palpably by recently, to continue my departure from myself. It requires me to say goodbye to everything I have ever known, and every dream I have ever had for myself or humanity. Ah, the bliss of homecoming.
I have dropped most of the tendencies and attachments or connections or conditions that bound me to this worldly experience, but there are subtler tendencies that still pull me out of my Samadhi. And I crave for it now, I feel the gravitational pull, of finally allowing myself to reach completion. And I got to drop everything. Everything has to go for this to be successful. I just know it. And I'm happy to spend as much alone time and practice time as I need to immortalize my state of unwavering unity-awareness, and beyond that my statelessness. A simpler environment is of so much aid at this timing.
And yet, even in this space of focus and freedom, like I said a new vision did arise during the darkness retreat, but of its own accord. And with no attachment to outcome (but I'm very vigilant to make sure every tendency like that is immediately discarded/severed/loved to death) I am allowing my body to act on the steps when they arise. To answer the calling but without any sense of being the one responsible for its manifestation.
A New Vision - But Without the Responsibility
When feeling into this place that was unexpectedly calling me, visions of a place to be together with those truly desiring freedom more constantly in retreat-mode came to my mind, like a center, and I saw a location on a map, and exact elements of this property to be. The vision came in with great clarity and force, yet felt effortless.
I saw some of the people that would come and the sheer presence and devotion and mastery that would be stimulated there on a daily basis for so many. Like a constant satsang and training environment where we can take dedicated people and really guide them all the way into quantum leaps in their development simply by having the right environment, facilitation and presence.
I saw that besides my own satsangs from this new space I'm transitioning into which will be much more quiet, and it doesn't seem like the Bentinho as you've seen him project himself before will be there anymore, but perhaps an empty shell of it will remain with bouts of that same personality from time to time, but it won't be steered by me. I won't be that.
Others will be offering guidance and classes there as well. With enough interest, it could have a daily schedule ranging from therapeutic yoga (think Ayla), to practical 'get-over-yourself' empowerment sessions (think Anurag), to guiding the finer more personal and interpersonal explorations of empowerment/enlightenment (think Ryan), to satsang with whatever remains with this body when I'm fully absorbed and effectively no longer am. And I have a couple of others in mind who would be endorsed to teach/guide at this center.
Local people could come daily to be in satsang together. People from out of town could rent something on our property for a season, some could be there on a more permanent basis perhaps, and in addition to the ongoing nature of this being in Truth together, we could schedule specific weeks where hundreds of people come come and stay for a week in the vicinity and attend every day. But I want to create a space where there is a more continuous nature to the sessions and the being together in like-spirit, because it would enable us to go so much farther as individuals moving into God Consciousness, as well as as a people, a society, a community.
I kept seeing clearly how with the right environment, this community could truly become something the world has never seen before in no time, and will be of great service in its transition. A new society. Instead of me doing it, why not just be with you guys and give you everything you need to do the work, you young sprouts who still have some earthly life left in you ;-). May you be as ambitious as I used to be, but with the new clarity I will be able to offer soon. Unless my new 'Self' decides not to do any of this, who knows, but given the history of this body, that seems unlikely. Prarabdha will likely continue its momentum even with me fully absorbed and no longer in I AM land.
We could enjoy and demonstrate to the world vibrationally what it's like to be a fully realized 4th density community, plus elements of densities beyond the fourth integrated/offered as well. Think of how amazing this community already is, how much aligned knowledge it has gained and cultivated, and how ripe it is and how much potential it holds just waiting to explode and come to fruition as a group? Now create en environment where from the moment you wake up to the moment you rest yourself in your bed, you are reminded of the One Infinite Creator and its beautifully transitioning Earthly creation that you share together in empowered consciousness filled to the brim with pure beingness and yet collaborative endeavors out of joyous inspiration in service to all.
The power and energetic brightness I saw coming off of this place placed a natural bubble of light around it that made things inside this reality work at a different vibration and speed and consciousness than anywhere else in the world. Nothing can enter there that is not of a fourth density vibration and here to serve beneficially. And simultaneously I saw this would serve as a powerful Beacon, using the superconductor called Earth to spread these healing and upgrading vibrations into the collective and into nature. It was a truly gorgeous view to behold. A new Shambhala of sorts.
I also saw how this would be constantly live-streamed so people from afar could tune in and tens of thousands of people could join us in this pure space devoted to making us all powerful servants of and for the One Infinite Creator and its Creation.
When I came out of darkness, I looked up properties in this area that's been calling me, and I found a property that would suit our needs, had almost all the elements that were in my vision, looked incredibly similar, and sits at the exact location I was shown. I am checking out the property today, and if it feels like the right fit, I will start contacting some potential investors, or let it come however it wants to. I may even make another humble attempt to rally the troops in our Facebook group we have to see who wants to contribute to this tangible creation. It'll be expensive, but it'll be the center of everything to come. An anchor for the New Earth vibrations to stream into our atmosphere and into the earth, for we will act as a receiving antenna as well as a grounding beacon.
I have dropped my sense of responsibility for creating anything btw, now creation happens because it wants to happen on its own. I do not carry any of the weight. I am free from Creation. I just show up in the illusion when called, and recede back into my Samadhi when not needed. The Bodhisattva principle is almost entirely out of my system. But just to be sure, I'm going to remain by myself for as long as is necessary. Deepen my absorption with Pure Awareness and the One beyond that. I want to no longer have any tendencies left that return me to the view of 'being.'
Coming up in Part 2...
Ok I think this is enough for now. Part 2 will follow soon. Not all may understand or believe what I state in part 2, and it goes against a lot of people's enlightenment experiences and beliefs, in fact when in a more human mode I even start doubting it, that's how different it is when you're 'there'. Even after all my explorations into being Awareness and Higher states of Consciousness, and Emptiness, and nothingness... this is a completely different state.
So that when I am more in the experience of being here, now, as an awake consciousness/human being for too long, I can subtly start to doubt the sutras I've been writing down, but then it kicks in again, is revealed again, and it blows everything out of the water. It reveals God Consciousness and Creation to be delusion. I want to stabilize there so I can reliably offer this to whomsoever seeks it. Not many will understand. But it is worth the attempt, for its effects on the world if completed are bigger than that of a nuclear explosion, but in a spiritually auspicious way.
And in the right environment, and with the right consistent guidance and presence to facilitate this intense, narrow pathway into Graduation from Creation, it may work for many more. After all, anything is possible. You just have to be genuinely ready and know that you really don't understand this other thing yet. You can't understand it from within Creation/Beingness/Consciousness. This humility is the first step towards opening yourself up to glimpse it, and possibly stabilize in it if you are ready. But first, let me walk this talk before I talk the walk.
Thanks for having been a part of Bentinho's life and for helping facilitate my transition away from him being necessary, and into uninterrupted divinity. May whatever of me remains be of service to you.
And to the keen follower of my life/work, you will have noticed that the prediction I made for myself nearly two years ago when I announced I would stop my weekly teachings in Boulder, is exactly what is happening now. Just a year later than estimated. The bodhisattva in me is strong, hehe.
Much love to you all.